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Aging Metalhead Mistakenly Thinks He Can Still Fit in Wedding Battle Jacket – The Hard Times

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PITTSBURGH – Aging metalhead Derek Vance made the mistake of trying to slip into his wedding battle vest to celebrate his 25 year anniversary with his wife, concerned sources confirmed.

“I know I’ve put on a few since we first got hitched,” lamented a visibly flushed Vance. “But I had no idea that things had gotten so bad. One day, you’re fighting off groupies with the pointed headstock of your B.C. Rich Warlock, and the next thing you know you’re trapped inside the garment you wore on your wedding day and have to get airlifted from your back porch because there’s too much tension and the circulation to your brain is slowly getting cut off. But hey, that’s just a part of getting older.”

Julia Vance revealed that she’s been harping on her husband’s diet and lifestyle for years, and can’t say she’s surprised.

“Derek always had the metabolism of a jackrabbit, but he was also touring constantly,” explained Vance’s better half as she secretly let out his guitar straps. “The problem is that these days, his diet solely consists of bar food and about 30 Natural Lights a day as if he was still 25, and his lifestyle finally caught up with him. We’re going to have a serious talk about his diet because there’s just something so unwholesome about watching the love of your life gasp for breath like Vince Neil trying to muscle through ‘Kickstart My Heart’ while he’s helplessly wriggling around on the ground.”

Master tailor and Men’s Wearhouse manager Dwight Samson laid out a couple of possible solutions for Vance.

“You’d be surprised about how many battle garments I’ve altered over the years. Luckily they’re so patched up and covered in vomit stains that it’s actually really easy to take a couple of old garments and stitch them together as if they were one,” asserted Samson as he assessed the damage of Vance’s ceremonial garb. “Ideally, Derek can stand to lose a few pounds, because this is one of the more disturbing blowouts I’ve witnessed in years, and I’m not a miracle worker.”

At press time, Vance was spotted spraying his legs with WD-40 in an attempt to squeeze into his size 28 leather pants.

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