BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — A local punk couple caused a stir this week when they sent out wedding invitations listing the event’s dress code as “court clothes,” poorly attired sources confirmed.
“We thought it would be a good way to make sure everyone knew exactly what to wear,” said Phil Bowers, the wedding’s groom. “I know what these jokers usually wear to weddings: band t-shirts, ratty old jeans, old skate shoes that look like they came from a war zone. I should know, it’s what I wore when I was best man for my buddy Brian’s wedding, and his family was pissed at me. It’s the same shit we wear every day of our lives, except when we have to stand in front of a judge. That’s why the invitation says, ‘Not traffic violation,’ in parenthesis. Keep that magistrate shit out of here.”
Not all of the wedding guests were happy to hear about the strict rules regarding attire.
“It’s classist bullshit,” said Ricky McCarthy, belligerent friend of the bride. “Who do they think they are, telling me how I should dress myself? Don’t they know I’m an adult? Just because their families are going to be there, now we’ve got to act all fake. It sucks. Plus, I don’t even got a good suit right now. My dress pants are ripped up from when I got into a fight at my dad’s funeral. So now I have to go all the way across town to shoplift a new pair from Men’s Wearhouse.”
Wedding planner Christie Jacobs noted that there are many unique considerations to take into account when organizing punk nuptials.
“There’s so much more to keep in mind beyond just the dress code,” said Jacobs, who noted that she enjoys working with punk clients because they insist on DIYing everything. “For instance: will you have a coat check, and is it prepared to accept vests? Have you double-checked your seating chart to make sure that Doc Martens- and Vans-wearing guests are on opposite sides of the dance floor? Has it been clearly communicated to your guests that they should under no circumstances put stickers or show flyers on the venue’s bathroom walls? These are all things that your wedding planner can help you with, provided you are willing to pay them up front.”
At press time, the betrothed couple had abandoned all concerns regarding the dress code to focus on the dozens of family members complaining about the wedding’s strict vegan menu.